Quote #120
When i was asked to test out Doubletime's latest masterpiece - a capture the flag map inspired by a recent tournament victory - I was excited. Doubletime's venture into the map-making scene had represented a bold new step in this up-and-coming wormer's career, and I was honoured to be a part of that.
Little did I know of the horror to come.
In some ways, Doubletime's map is a blessing. It has often been said that the quality in maps has been on a steady decline, ever since the arrival of colour maps for online play enabled anyone to let their five-minute, brush tool-abusing insult of an MS Paint doodle to grace wormnet and offend everyone with a palette that, if there was a god, no human brain would be allowed to even perceive.
But Doubletime's map has brought this sad decline to an end. By finally reaching rock bottom, Doubletime's map has ensured that things can only get better from here on out. Let's take a look at the abomination in question:
http://i36.tinypic.com/j9t5r9.png
No wait, you're not done. Take a look at that map again. Take it all in.
When I was first presented with this map, it took a few moments to snap out of my trance and register that the clock was beeping and that I had to place my worms on the map. Through the blood that my eyes were now spraying over my computer, I desperately looked for the start area, eventually finding it encrypted in a hideous font that nevertheless seemed comfortable and welcoming, almost a sanctuary from the harsh environment outside of it. But that feeling of safety would soon subside.
After placing my worms and having recovered from a sequence of mild strokes, I developed a plan of attack, modifying the route to circumvent bright colours and minimise ocular damage. The game awarded me with the opening turn, and as I began to ponder what sort of deranged mind would inflict this visual abuse on the world, I took my first steps into it, armed with several pairs of sunglasses and a very deep sense of self-loathing.
More on my adventure later. But first, let's take a look at some of the main features of this map, besides its unique ability to accelerate tumour growth. The most striking feature is, of course, the neon green outlines to what I was later assured by the author were "bricks", a misconception that perhaps adds weight to the popular theory that Doubletime has never encountered any building material quite as advanced as a brick. But second to this green grid, the casual and likely unwilling observer is drawn to the phallic structure that presides at the top of the map, towering over all beneath. A closer look reveals that it isn't even in the middle. This speaks volumes of Doubletime's damaged subconscious, and possibly of a shameful physiological defect, though discussion of this ought to be left for another time.
Doubletime's first turn on his own map ultimately ended with him shooting himself, an action that unfortunately remains untranslated to the real world. In his next turn he wiped out half of his team. Though publicly proud of his map, perhaps this penchant for attacking himself hides a secret regret for his creation. But no possible regret is adequate. His victims will never be able to unsee this map.
As the game progressed (I use the term 'game' loosely, as traditionally games are for the purpose of entertainment) I couldn't help but notice the small triangular structures sitting atop the crudely drawn flags near the far edges of the map. What were they? A cursory inspection revealed what appeared to be a face with expression of sadist delight, as though the map was in fact enjoying my misery. More curiously, I thought, what was the symbolism behind the banana peel depicted above, seemingly impaled on a stake emerging from the triangleface's pointed forehead?
These questions will for now go unanswered, leaving the map shrouded in mystery. Doubletime refused to answer my queries, instead focussing on walking his last remaining worm into certain death - a fate well deserved for this crime against humanity.
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